5 Tips for Removing Self-Blame

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Self-blame is one of those emotions that can be very crippling. It can prevent us from moving forward from the experience because of fear of what may happen in the future. Yet, how do we learn to get over feelings of self-blame and move forward to success and accomplishment?
I’ve included five tips that will help in removing feelings and thoughts self-blame in the hopes that when they are implemented, you will take action on your goals rather than remain stuck with the same thought patterns. Reflect on how each tip will drive your future success and what you need to do to get there.
1. Determine whether your feelings are valid
One day someone accused me of stealing money. I know! I hit you with a hard one on the first go around! But, I have to admit that although it is embarrassing, it is true. I was accused…blamed for stealing money. Did I steal it? No! However, the accuser thought I did. In fact, I was blamed for stealing this large amount of money so often that I began to question my actions. Did I actually steal the money? Did I mistakenly take it, using it for something else? Then, I realized that it was not me, but that the person misplaced it, which turned out to be true. The person found it several weeks later, stuffed between some clothing. Now, this does not take away from the fact that I began to take on feelings of self-blame. I wondered what I could do to help. Maybe I could change my actions or say the right words to get this person to believe me. However, I had to ultimately accept that it was not my fault and eventually trust that the person would find the missing money. If I were to blame, however, I would definitely have reason to do so. But if your feelings of blame are not valid, stop pointing the finger at yourself. It may be the other person’s fault – or no one’s at all!
2. Determine whether your actions were to blame
I have a friend who loves to buy shoes. In fact, she sets aside money each week for this habit. One weekend she decided to go on a shopping splurge with intended money in hand, forgetting that she promised to treat her spouse a night out. When she returned home, her mate was obviously disappointed but knowing her habit, he was understanding. Yet, she continued to blame herself as they already had limited time as a couple. In this situation, she absolutely admitted fault. She blamed herself for not having the will to avoid her temptation over enjoying quality time with her spouse. Therefore, she accepted that she needed to change her behavior patterns to make her relationship with her partner more enjoyable, which was much more fulfilling than her shoe addiction.
3. Look at the experience from all sides
When we blame ourselves, we fail to look at the experience from all sides. Instead, we give ourselves thousands of questions as to what we could have done or said differently. Yet, we fail to look at what may have been the fault of someone else. Don’t constantly blame yourself. This is where the negative behavior patterns and thoughts of influence begin to seep into all areas of your life. Look at the experience from multiple viewpoints. Ask others what their take on the situation would be. Go to a neutral party for advice. Remember, it’s not always your fault.
4. Understand that everyone makes mistakes
Sometimes, experiences are our fault and we have to take the blame. However, if it was unintentional learn to accept it as a mistake and determine how you can change it in the future. Don’t spend unnecessary time dwelling on the mistake. Ask others how you can make it different. Or, write a list of habits to practice in the future.
5. Everyone needs to be accountable
If I haven’t gotten this message across during this post, I want to make it clear now that everyone needs to be accountable for an error or fault. We must learn to accept the error, evaluate the issue, and make a plan of action to prevent the error in the future. Don’t continue to ponder constantly about what you could have done or should have done. The action already took place. Instead, focus on what you can do in the future to make things change.

I hope you enjoyed reading this post about handling feelings of self-blame. I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic. Leave a comment below!

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Koryne C. Nnoli is an author, blogger, speaker, and life coach. She works with women to help build their confidence so they can take their happiness to the next level. For more information about her and The Shy Diva Society, visit her website at www.theshydiva.com.

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Where will you be in 5 years?

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Many of us hear this question on interviews, but it is important for us to also ask this question when we are considering our life plan. So, let me ask you: Where do you want to be in your life five years from now?

A few years ago, I contemplated this exact thing. I was at a job that wasn’t necessarily my dream job but it was a career I chose right out of college. After a few years, I realized I was going in circles with my career, relationship, finances, and health. It was at that moment I realized I had already been out of undergrad for five years and didn’t want the next five years to be the same as the first. So, I decided to envision where I wanted to be, set some clear goals, and focus on getting serious about my life plan.

Here are a few tips I want to share with you about determining where you want to be as you move forward through the next five years of your life:

  1. Envision It

When you are deciding on your life plan, try to envision where you want to be in five years. Sometimes, we think about things too far in the future instead of focusing on where we can be small segments at a time. So, where do you want to be five years from today? Close your eyes and envision your lifestyle, your family status, your finances, fun, relationships, and freedom. How does it look to you? How does it make you feel? All of these emotions should be keeps you going and motivated to make your vision a reality.

  1. Make a List

Now that you’ve envisioned your plan, it’s time to make a list of all the areas you can begin implementing change. For example, you may want to have a new position on your job in five years. So, although you cannot give yourself the position, you can definitely begin changing your behaviors at work to align with the qualities necessary to reach your desired position. If you’re looking for a new, stable relationship you can’t predict the partner you will have. Yet, you can determine whether you’re currently mentally ready for the relationship or if there are other things you need to confront first before you can enter into that relationship. Whatever you need to change, start making a list of those areas and how your thoughts, feelings, and actions need to align with the vision you have for the future.

  1. Plan It Out

You’ve envisioned it. You’ve made your list. Now it’s time to plan it out. On a sheet of paper, write down your goals for each year. This may be difficult, especially if you have a large amount of areas you want to work on. Therefore, I would suggest focusing on one or two areas at a time. Begin with year five. For example, in five years let’s say you want to own a home and travel more. Both of these goals require money. So, you might want to focus on establishing a five-year financial plan to improve your savings and manage your spending habits. How much do you want to save in year one? Year two? Year three? Remember, it’s about turning the larger goals into smaller, more manageable ones. These will help you determine if you’re really doing the work to accomplish your goals.

  1. Activate the Plan

Many of us fail to get to this step. We plan and plan and plan, yet when it comes to the implementation process, we are not consistent with it and lack discipline. The key to remember is you must be accountable to yourself. What do you need to do? Take action in doing it daily. Find an accountability partner. This may be a trusted friend, a spouse, a co-worker, or even a mentor. Tell them your plans and that you want their help in ensuring you stay on top of your goals. However, I must restate that you must ultimately be the person who holds accountability, regardless if someone supports your goals or not. Stay focused on your why and it will guide you to accomplishing your goals.

  1. Maintain It

You’ve envisioned it, written it, planned it, and implemented it! Good for you! Now it’s time to maintain it! Check in on your goals at the beginning or end of each month. What have you accomplished? What do you still need to work on? I like using social media posts to act as my accountability. The pictures, videos, and content tend to stay up for years (unless you delete them). Therefore, you can use it to log your own progress. Keep envisioning your goal. Take pictures and put them on a collage of where you want to be. As you complete each goal, put a sticker or write a check mark next to it on your list. You’re making things happen in your life! With such progress, you’ll definitely be in a better place in five years.

I wish you much success on your journey. Until next time, happy planning!

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Koryne C. Nnoli is an author, blogger, speaker, and life coach. She works with women to help build their confidence so they can take their happiness to the next level. For more information about her and The Shy Diva Society, visit her website at www.theshydiva.com.

Discovering Your True Purpose

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When I was in my late teens and early 20s, I thought my true purpose was to work with kids. In fact, I wanted to be a child psychologist and even worked in the field of education because I loved kids so much. However, after years of working with children and then transitioning into working with adults, I discovered that my true purpose wasn’t working with children at all but something much different.

So, the big question is: How do you discover your true purpose? It is my hope to answer that in this post.

Ask Questions

The first step in discovering your purpose is to ask questions. Not the one such as “What is my purpose?” or “Why am I on this planet?” or “Why do I exist?” No! Those are surface questions. The true questions should be “What will give my life meaning?” or “What gives me the greatest joy?” Initially, these may seem to be things you find yourself interested in doing such as working with kids, or being crafty, or playing music, or handling arguments between friends. However, these are still surface activities. They are not allowing you to discover true value and intention in your life.

As I stated earlier, I always thought my true purpose was to work with kids. I loved kids! I loved their innocence. I loved their willingness to learn. I loved their carefreeness. However, I also loved that children were people I could act as their mentor or guide in life before all the craziness of the world could sweep them into the madness. That was something that was fulfilling to me. Knowing that I could impact them in such a way to make a difference in their lives.

Reflect On Your Activities

Asking those initial questions were what caused me to look deeper into not only the things I did to mentor and help guide children but what I did within my career, at my church, and around my community that also served the same purpose. I discovered that the jobs I pursued (working in human services and being an educator) also related to helping, guiding, mentoring, and serving others. It was something that at the end of the day, I was able to look back and say I made a difference in their lives. This was so powerful to me that when I reflected on the various tasks and activities I did collectively it always brought tears to my eyes. That was my passion. That was my purpose.

Plan How Your Activities Will Align with Your Purpose

Once I was able to identify my purpose, I wanted to ensure that the activities I engaged in, the jobs I took on, the people in my life all related to me fulfilling my purpose. So, if you’re not in a job where you’re fulfilling your purpose or you’re not in a relationship with someone who fosters the impact of your purpose, it is time to reflect and reassess whether they are right for you. In fact, this is what leads many people to feelings of depression, dissatisfaction, anxiety, helplessness, and hopelessness. They spend so many years in a job they hate or in a relationship that does not align with their purpose that they constantly experience illness such as headaches, nausea, mood disorders, insomnia, and more simply because they are not engaging in activities that are aligned with their purpose.

So, get a paper and let’s start planning.

  1. Write down all of the activities that you engage in on a daily basis. This includes the jobs you pursue, the chores you do around the house, charities you donate to, people you read about of watch because they inspire you, activities you volunteer with, and other tasks you’ve engaged in over the years. Right now, don’t worry about whether they make you smile or not. Just focus on writing down these activities.
  2. Now’s where you want to narrow down your list of activities to the things you truly enjoy. These are the activities that you would engage in even if you weren’t paid to do them or weren’t obligated to do them to keep yourself or others sane.
  3. Find a connection between these activities. What makes them align? Something like “They allow me to be creative” or “They require me to multi-task” or “I need to be organized and knowledgeable” are great starters but they’re also surface reasons. Once you find these surface reasons, focus on a more emotional connection and relate it to others. This could be “They provide hope for others” or “They make others happy and provide them with a sense of peace” or “They give others freedom”. This will be your true purpose.
  4. Think about your initial purpose. I also want you to think back on your initial purpose because a lot of times, the initial purpose could also be barriers or negative thought patterns that keep you where you are today. For example, although I felt my true passion was working with kids, I discovered that I had a real fear of working with my peers (people my own age who could potentially criticize my knowledge, skills, and abilities). Subconsciously, I knew that children would view me as the expert because I had more life experience and could show them ways to overcome their challenging situations. However, once I was able to understand this fear, I realized it didn’t matter whether others judged me (regardless of their age). As long as I was still engaging in a task or activity that was aligned with my purpose of helping, mentoring, and serving others I was truly happy and content and the fear was no longer a factor.

So, are you ready to discover your true purpose? Well, grab a paper and pencil and let’s get started! I can’t wait to know what you’ve discovered!

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Koryne C. Nnoli is an author, blogger, speaker, and life coach. She works with women to help build their confidence so they can take their happiness to the next level. For more information about her and The Shy Diva Society, visit her website at www.theshydiva.com.

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